Not sure if anyone has been anticipating or looking forward to any of my posts. But I took a break because I needed to. To be honest, I didn’t have the drive to write, although I’ve been writing in my personal journal when I felt the need to. That actually went into the garbage. I wrote so much negativity in there and just now realized I had to get rid of it.
Sometimes we go through life and everything is not always peaches and cream. We are not perfect but we are only human. And being the human that I am, I go through a lot emotionally and mentally. Like I have mentioned before, I’ve been battling with depression for years now and I thought it went away. Honestly, I just swept it under the rug for so long. Because I have longed to be genuinely happy with my life, I forced myself to be “happy”. Don’t get me wrong, I am not always Negative Nancy. I actually hide it pretty well when I’m around people – otherwise, I do not bring myself around people so that I do not bring that vibe along with me.
But I have not been happy with myself lately and it has been showing. It has affected many areas of my life in which I have tried to control. But with so much going on, I’ve realized I really do need to stop, take a breather and a break. I need to take a break from reality, from those around me and fix myself.
I need to heal my wounds that have been invisibly open for years. Of course not many people know these things about me because I am rarely ever an open book about my internal issues. But it’s time y’all. It’s time to break bad habits and to become a better version of myself. I mean it.
I not only have to do this for my own mental and emotional health, but I also have to do it for my daughter. How I am and how I feel will reflect on her and if she sees me be the way I’ve been lately, it will soon affect her life as well. And I don’t want that! I also want to do it for people who love me; close friends, lover, family. Because they matter to me and I do not want my emotional well being to affect them in a negative way.
There are so many changes waiting to be made. I just need to take life one day at a time and tell myself to slow down and breathe. I’ve been wrapped up in negativity lately that I’ve noticed how much it has taken from me. I’ve lost a lot along the way but I am here to gain it all back and then some. I am here to turn my pain into inspiration.
I am not here to prove that I’m some super hero. But I am here to prove that anyone like me, who may be going through a lot… can get through the battles too. You are not alone.
I hope this transition in life does not take long. I hope it only brings me inner peace and genuine happiness. I will continue to wake up each day with deep wounds and scars, but I will learn to heal them slowly on my own.
You can’t expect others to help fix you if you have not taken the first step to fix yourself.
And when you’ve learned to fix yourself, love yourself and feel happiness from within, then there will be others that will reciprocate that.
Writing has been my therapy. I keep my very deep, personal thoughts and stories for myself… for now. Maybe I’ll share them later. But I do share certain posts like this one so that others who are going through something similar will not feel alone.
I have also chosen to bring photography back into my life, although it has not been a huge part of my therapy. But I feel like taking photos that express my pain and struggles will turn into inspiration and passion. I’ll keep y’all posted with new pics once I learn the ins and outs of my camera and lens’s. Recently, I’ve also been getting myself back into the gym 3-4 times a week and it was hard at first, but I push and force myself to go even during the moments where I would rather lay in bed and mope around. That has been another form of therapy for me and I think many people can relate.
I am determined to beat depression and to rid of the anxiety, constant thoughts and visions of my insecurities. Like I said, I will take it one day at a time but eventually I will reach my destination. I hope that those around me or those that I have lost will notice the changes I am making. I only hope to inspire people with my stories. I only hope to gain more love from myself of course but also from those that I love as well.
I feel like I’ve lost my soul, but I have not lost any faith…. and faith goes a long, long way.